Hard Lost Love
by scottiegal2012
Summary: There needed to be a goodbye. Janeway/Kashyk - Story Dedication - Rated T For mushy fluff.


**Title:** Hard Lost Love  
**Period: **Immediately following Season Five Episode "Counterpoint"  
**Rating:** T - Mushy stuff  
**Pairing:** Janeway/Kashyk  
**Summary:** There needed to be a goodbye.  
**Special Dedication:**_ To one of the FB "Kate Girls," Ivana. This one's for you, Darling ;)_

Kathryn Janeway rolled onto her side and let her eyes open to the painfully bright lights beyond her lids. Yes, she was still in her Ready Room. She sighed and pushed her cramped body up off the couch and stretched. _How long?_ Her door chime sounded, indicating just how long she'd been asleep on the hard couch. _Chakotay._

"Come in." Her voice sounded far away, as distant as her thoughts.

Right on cue Chakotay walked through the doors. He clasped his hands behind his back and studied her, head tipped to the side. "Captain?"

"Rank, Commander?"

"You look like you're in a rank mood." He smiled and stepped up to the couch, resting his hand on her arm. "Sit down, Kathryn."

She didn't fight the force on her arm that all but pushed her back down. "That obvious?" She watched as he passed her and got a fresh cup of coffee from the replicator.

"You're exhausted. Yes, it's obvious. We won, and yet you act like we've lost the entire crew and ship along with it." He handed it to her and sat on the coffee table so he could face her.

"I loved him." She confessed softly. "I really did."

Chakotay was surprised. "I didn't know that. You never trusted him though?"

"No. I had a gut feeling he was crossing me, using us to figure out where we were hiding them. That's why I came to you, but I was afraid of my feelings so…" She set the coffee down and let her head fall into her hands. "It doesn't change what happened. Strike three, I'm out right?"

"Three?" Chakotay moved her coffee away from him so he wouldn't bump it. "What do you mean strike three?"

"Baseball?" She sighed and leaned back.

"Yes, but three?"

"Two fiancés and this guy."

"Two?" He questioned again.

She was closing her eyes, but managed a lopsided smile as she imagined his look of confusion and feeling his frustration at her lack of explanation. "I thought I told you about Justin." She breathed.

"No." He shook his head. "You were engaged?"

She sat back up and reached for the coffee, which he gladly slid back into her hand. She studied it for a moment and shrugged. "He died with my father, beneath the polar ice cap on Tau Ceti Prime."

"I knew about your father, but I had no idea you were engaged before Mark."

She grinned. "Maybe I like to keep some things to myself. You already know me too well."

"Three than, surely you've dated others?"

"Yes." She sighed. "But this felt like more than that. All part of his elaborate deception. It kind of hurts."

"Yes, I can imagine it would. I'm sorry, Kathryn." He had both hands on his knees, caught between leaving her be and holding her tight.

She shrugged and smiled at him again. "I learned to live with loss a long time ago."

He felt pain in her voice as she said it. "What can I do?"

"Oh…" She shook her head. "I'll be fine, always have been, always will be."

"Kim to the Captain. There's an encoded message coming through for you."

"Patch it through, Ensign." She stood and went to the desk where the small console was now blinking, alerting her to the message that waited.

Chakotay followed her down, but at a distance, wondering who could be communicating with them now. They were beyond the reach of any new friends or enemies for that matter.

She keyed the sequence to authorize her access and fought the sinking feeling deep inside. _Kashyk. _"Excuse me, Commander." She mumbled absently to Chakotay who nodded and left her alone.

"Kathryn, I had to contact you one last time." His face was pale, he looked as bothered about the whole thing as she was.

"I never trusted you." She was resting her hands near the console, ready to end the communiqué as quickly as she could. There was something about his eyes that made her pause.

"I shouldn't have trusted you either. You were good, Kathryn, very good." He sighed and offered a small smile. "For what it's worth and however short, my heart was yours."

She shook her head slightly, surprised by this display, and closed her eyes. "Why is duty so damn important?"

"It's just as important to me as it is to you." He watched her, his heart aching for her.

"Yes." It was barely a whisper. She opened her eyes again.

"I'm beyond you, on a small planet. Find an excuse to come down."

"How did-"

He raised his hand and a smirk spread across his face. "I have my ways."

* * *

On the Bridge Harry Kim was laughing uncontrollably as Tom Paris rambled on in an endless circle about Vulcan mating rituals.

"Do you think they'd give it up? No, every seven years like clockwork. Vicious and incredible! Human women can't handle the Vulcan sex call!" Tom cackled and pounded the console finally earning a glare from Chakotay.

"Alright, Paris. Enough."

"Aye, Sir." He calmed enough for the Captain not to notice as she came out of the Ready Room.

"Tuvok, scan for a small planetary system capable of supporting life." She came up around to the tactical station to peer over his shoulder. "There. Can we scan it?"

"Not yet, Captain." Tuvok responded crisply, unaffected by the prior conversation.

"Captain," Harry interrupted softly. "There's a definite Warp trail leading in that direction. It's Devore."

"Are you sure?" Kathryn glanced over at him, not needing an answer by the look on his face. "Tom, set a course for that planet."

"Captain?" Chakotay, Tom and Harry spoke in unison.

Kathryn placed her hands on her hips. "Unfinished business. Do it, Mr. Paris."

"Yes, Ma'am." He gave Chakotay a look before turning back to Conn and keying in the coordinates sent from Harry's ops station.

"How long, Harry?"

Harry quickly keyed up an approximation. "About four hours at current speed."

"Good, I'll be in my quarters." She turned and entered the Turbo lift before any of the confused senior officers could question her.

* * *

Kashyk was dressed in plain clothes. Similar to what he wore that day in the Mess Hall when he fell in love with her. It was all too convenient that he did and it added to his ability to deceive her. But he broke her heart and he knew it. He would die before he let her go in such a way. He paced in front of a small stream where he'd been camped out for the past few days. He'd found a similar wormhole to the one Janeway had used to transport the Telepaths and had shot past them by a week. Now, all he could do was wait, and hope she'd do as he requested.

* * *

It was warm on the planet, far too warm for her uniform jacket and she pushed it off shortly after beaming down. She had gone down alone much to the dismay of the entire Security staff and Chakotay. She pulled her tricorder out and scanned for life signs. Just beyond the trees near a body of water, probably a river. She closed it and crept to the edge and through the brush. Yes, there he was. He was standing by the water's edge with his hands shoved into his pockets, studying the currant as it swept leaves and small twigs away. She was sure she hadn't made a sound, but he turned anyway.

He smiled and held his hands out to his side, open toward her. "Come to me, one last time?"

She walked slowly his way, staring almost blankly at him. "Why?"

He took one step, hands still to the side. "Because for all of the deception and the lies, I really did love you."

She swallowed back the lump forming in her throat and tried desperately to think of an excuse as to why she didn't love him back. But it wasn't so. She looked down at his hands, the hands that had held her arms in the shuttle bay as he took her against him and kissed her. The hands that she wanted him to hold her with again. She took another slow step and than another before looking up at him. They were inches apart. "Do you?"

"Yes, Kathryn…" He whispered back. "You can't understand how if feels to have betrayed you. I thought it would be simple, I've done it to others, Why not you? But I did not expect the pain. You cued the music, the sounds I have not stopped hearing since I left. I have not stopped thinking about you. But the pain..."

"It hurts." She nodded.

"It hurts." He agreed softly. He lifted his finger to touch her cheek and traced the line below her chin to her neck. "I can't expect forgiveness, but to tell you relieves a great burden I've been carrying for days."

"How awful for you." She couldn't help but feel bitter in a way, but she wanted him still.

"Why did you come?"

"Because… I do love you."

His breath caught and he looked away from those piercing blue eyes. She was more pure than any he'd met and it gave him pause, gave him reason. He took in air sharply as he looked back down at her, her gaze still fixed on him. "I am… truly sorry."

"Kiss me." It was a soft request, hesitant in it's own way.

He leaned down to catch her lips against his, holding her chin gently in the tips of his fingers.

She pulled away from him for a breath and sighed softly. "Kashyk… we-"

"Can't be." He finished. "I know. You have your ship and you will never stay."

"You have your _army…" _She laughed softly. "I can't convince you to come?"

"You wouldn't have me. Not after what I've done."

"Than you don't know me at all." Her smile was crooked, almost fun as she leaned back into his kiss.

"I already know you are as elusive as a morning bird once the afternoon sun has risen."

She laid her head on his chest and shuddered as she felt his arms wrap tight around her. She wasn't sure how long he held her before he finally broke away, turning to face the stream.

"Do you… _Captain_… have stories on your world of impossible love?"

She looked down and smiled before wrapping her arms around his waist from behind. "They were called Romeo and Juliet. The oldest tale of unrequited love. They could never be and died in each other's arms amidst a battle between their families."

"All too familiar a tale."

"As old as time." She rested her head on his back and listened to each slow breath before feeling him turn to hold her again. "Can you stay a day?"

"No." She shook her head. "We're lucky the Commander hasn't sent a team down already."

"A moment than?" He didn't wait for an answer as he pressed her against the base of an old tree, wide from age. He kissed her deeply, holding her hands tight in his.

Kathryn felt her back hit the tree hard, but she didn't care as she let him take her over the edge, holding her hands down at her side. It was almost too much. She could feel hot tears burning down her cheeks and wasn't sure if they were hers or his. She finally turned away, gasping before letting her head rest below his chin.

"The worlds will continue, the universe goes on… but I will never know a love like yours from another." He was whispering, his breath moving the strands of hair nearest his lips.

The air she was breathing was still coming in short gasps, but she didn't move, didn't push him back so she could inhale. She let him lean against her, his body flush to hers. Perfect. "Kashyk, when I've gone, what part of me is left with you?"

"Your goodness-don't laugh." He smiled as he felt her chuckle. "It is true, Kathryn. You've left a mark, that you must believe?"

"I believe you." She turned her head up, resting it against the tree and staring at him. "I've come to know when you're lying to me."

He ran his fingers up her arm and smiled when she sighed. "I shall miss you deeply."

"It was too short, but I wouldn't trade it… not one moment."

"Not even when I crossed you?" He tipped his head, his fingers stopping their trailing at the back of her neck.

She grinned. "I had the upper hand the whole time, so I'll_ forgive _you. And… I'll never forget you." She added softly.

"Go home, Kathryn… and take care of yourself."

She closed her eyes, not wanting to leave. "I… I love you."

He grinned and leaned his face close to hers, whispering against her cheek. "I love you too." His lips brushed hers, but he kept it light. Neither needed the goodbye to be harder.

"Janeway to Voyager."

"Go ahead, Captain." Chakotay's voice was tight over the Comm line.

She paused a long moment as she stared into Kashyk's deep eyes. "One to beam up."

Kashyk slowly let go of her hand, fighting sorrow as he watched her dematerialize and, for a fleeting moment, he considered going with her.

* * *

Kathryn stepped onto the Bridge, feeling much better, despite having again let go of love.

Chakotay had both his hands on the rail that separated the two Bridge levels and was staring intently at her. "Everything okay, Kathryn?"

She rested her hands on the rail where his were and looked down at him for a long moment. "Yes, I think so."

He wasn't quite satisfied, but gave her a small smile anyway before offering his hand.

She smiled back and took it letting him lead her around the steps to the Command level. She let go and eased into her chair. The view screen ahead showed empty space and the promise of a long journey. The planet below, a lover she'll never really know. "Take us home, _Tom."_

He flashed his flyboy grin over his shoulder at her before keying in their previous heading. "Home… Aye, Captain."

She glanced sideways at Chakotay, who was watching her intently. "I _am_ okay." She whispered.

"I know. I can tell." He smiled back, finally satisfied. "Join me for dinner?"

"Wouldn't miss it." She leaned back a little and stared ahead at the open space. She could have had him, but it would have never been _home._

_Fin._


End file.
